Conversations that Do Not End in Conflict

Hi everyone, and welcome to the Center Street Psychology blog! As the holidays approach people might feel extra stressors. Today, we’re going to look at some ways to help with having a conversation that does not end in conflict.

To begin with, it’s usually helpful to make sure we’re having conversations at an appropriate time. The middle of the grocery store isn’t the best place to bicker about your holiday budget. Acknowledge that there needs to be a further discussion and, if possible, set a time to come back to things. A suggestion, “this maybe isn’t the best time for us to have this discussion – would it be okay if we talked about it once the kids are in bed?”

Another important tool in conversations is the gentle start-up, which is a concept that comes from the Gottman couple’s counselling but can be applied to any interaction. A gentle start-up helps discussions begin in a way that people don’t feel criticized, and therefore are more receptive to what we are saying instead of feeling defensive. There are a few skills that contribute to the success of a gentle start-up:

· I-statements: These are statements that allow us to express how we feel while still taking responsibility and ownership of our emotions. They usually follow a format of “I feel _______ when _________ because __________”. For example, “I feel hurt when you don’t put your phone down because I can’t tell if you’re listening”.

• Tip – don’t turn your I-statement into a you-statement such as “I feel like you never listen to me because you’re always on your phone”.

· Just the facts: Describe what is happening in a non-judgemental way that is not accusatory or making an evaluation, because the more objective we are the less room there is for conflict. For example, “I’ve loaded the dishwasher twice this week, it would mean a lot if you could you please take a turn”. Instead of, “you never help clean up the kitchen”.

• Tip – watch out for absolutes (such as using the words “never” or “always”) as they are very rarely true.

· Appreciate, don’t hate: Communicate when the other person has previously done better at the thing you’re talking about, as people are more likely to be receptive to praise instead of criticism – “I really loved last winter when you go out and start the car for me before work” instead of “I have so much to do in the mornings and you don’t help me”.

• Tip – Be specific about the action you want to see.

· Be mindful of tone of voice and body language. Over 70% of our communication is non-verbal, and it can be confusing or frustrating for others when our non-verbals don’t match the words being spoken.

 Want to know more?

Please reach out to us at Center Street Psychology, as we provide uniquely tailored therapeutic plans and interventions to support couples using the Gottman Method Couple’s Therapy for couples engaging in frequent conflict and argument, poor communication, emotionally distanced couples on the verge of separation, and specific problems such as sexual difficulties, infidelity, money, and parenting and Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT) is an evidence-based approach to psychotherapy, drawing primarily from attachment theory. It facilitates the creation of a secure, vibrant connection with oneself and others and identifies and transforms the negative processing and interaction patterns that create distress.

We are an inclusive clinic, located in Calgary, Alberta that provides in-person and virtual psychological services across Canada in the evenings and weekends. Please text or call 403-399-5120 to talk to our Director of Client Care, Amy, who will guide you through the intake process.

Check out this blog from the Gottman Institute that goes into more depth about gentle start-up skills: https://www.gottman.com/blog/softening-startup/

Also, check out EFT resources on: https://iceeft.com/what-is-eft-public/

 Written by: Lindsay Mcnena