Communication Skills for the Holidays
It’s a new week, and time for a new Center Street Psychology blog! As the holidays approach people often can feel extra stress, so today we’re going to continue with building communication skills for the holidays.
Today we’re going to look at conflict resolution and repair, as almost every relationship has some type of conflict. Some of the strategies may be borrowed from couples therapy, but regardless of the type of interpersonal relationship, they will still work.
1) Active Listening: Last week we talked about how much of our communication is non-verbal (around 70%). Active listening goes along with non-verbal communication in that you’re not just listening to what the other person is saying, but also what their non-verbals are saying. Is a child saying they’re okay but they have tears in their eyes? Is your mom saying she doesn’t need help with anything but then continues to roll her eyes and sigh? Active listening also means listening attentively and giving appropriate responses: for example, if someone is saying they are stressed out the listener would have the opportunity to ask questions so they are better able to understand. When people feel authentically understood, it decreases the likelihood of conflict. And as The Gottman therapy tells us, we have to get to an understanding before we can give advice.
Tip: Active listening can also include making eye contact and mirroring body language, to show the other person you’re attuned and listening.
2) Apologizing: This one can seem obvious, but a lot of the time we only apologize halfway. Apologies come in three acts: the acknowledgement, the apology, and the action. Acknowledgement means taking responsibility for your role in what happened, the apology is saying that you’re sorry, and the action is what you’re going to change going forward – I’m sorry I yelled at you, I was stressed out from my parents being here but took it out on you. Next time they come, I’ll make sure to take some time to decompress, so that I don’t end up projecting my frustration onto you. Can I make you a cup of tea and we can talk more?
Tip: DON’T say “I’m sorry you feel that way”, as that is very invalidating for the other person.
3) Repairs: Making a repair is one person’s attempt to diffuse a situation and settle things down while discussing heightened topics. A person might use asking for a break, appropriate humour, asking to look for common ground, or simply stating that this is important and they would like the other person to listen.
Tip: Often it is better for the person who “started” the fight or who was “wrong” to be the one to apologize; if someone does take that responsibility, it makes sense to meet that repair attempt with an open mind.
Want to know more?
You are not alone, please reach out to us at Center Street Psychology, as we provide uniquely tailored therapeutic plans to support couples using the Gottman Method Couple’s Therapy for couples engaging in frequent conflict and argument, poor communication, emotionally distanced couples on the verge of separation, and specific problems and Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT) is an evidence-based approach to psychotherapy, drawing primarily from attachment theory. We are an inclusive clinic, located in Calgary, Alberta that provides in-person and virtual psychological services across Canada in the evenings and weekends. Please text or call 403-399-5120 to talk to our Director of Client Care, Amy, who will guide you through the intake process.
Here https://www.gottman.com/blog/r-is-for-repair/ is a blog that includes a repair checklist of suggested ways to repair with people after an argument
Check out this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q-ApAdEOm5s about how to structure apologies in any circumstance, or this video on being a better listener: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i3ku5nx4tMU
Written by: Lindsay Mcnena
