What is Avoidant Attachment?

It’s a new week, and time for a new blog! We are returning to the wonderful world of attachment theory (if you’ve missed our previous blogs on attachment theory in general and secure attachment style, you can click back through the blogs and catch up). This week we’re going to be discussing what avoidant-insecure attachment means, how it presents in childhood and adulthood, and how it can affect the relationships in your life.

Avoidant attachment is the second most common attachment style and is characterized by a predisposition to form insecure relationships due to a need to remain independent. So, what causes a person to develop an avoidant attachment style? Research shows that when a child’s necessities are consistently not met by people in caregiver roles, children start sacrificing their wants, needs, and desires in order to preserve whatever attachment connection still exists between them and the caregiver. This doesn’t just mean needs like food, safety, and shelter, but also emotional needs like feeling valued and cared for. People with an avoidant attachment style often have caregivers who were emotionally reserved and appear to retreat when the child needs support, safety, or affection. Children learn that displaying emotion leads to rejection, so they self-soothe and nurture themselves, which leads to a feeling of independence and not needing other people to support them. In Ainsworth’s Strange Situation (discussed in the initial attachment blog), children with avoidant attachment show the same levels of distress as securely attached infants when their mothers left the room, but when the mothers returned to the room the infants avoided or opposed contact with them. Older children might enjoy being around other children but may have difficulty connecting on a meaningful level. How does avoidant attachment present in adults? Often, they will have a difficult time being emotionally vulnerable and can push their partners away because they cannot cope when things become emotionally intimate; similarly, they can feel uncomfortable when other people need or rely on them. People with this attachment style have a hard time handling conflict and will distance themselves instead of engaging in difficult conversations. They can struggle to read other’s emotions and frequently hide their own emotions. Finally, people with avoidant attachment regularly place their need for independence ahead of everything, as they have learned that other people are not reliable and that they can only really count on themselves.

However, this attachment style doesn’t mean that people are alone or lonely; in fact, they can present as social and fun. The challenges arise when relationships move from the surface to a more emotionally intimate level.

What can you do?

Check out this quick Youtube video about more signs of avoidant attachment style:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqlce10FyVU

Tune in next week, where we will be discussing the anxious-insecure attachment style!

Written by: Lindsay Mcnena